


How am I supposed to give this up?

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Betrayal, Fluff, Heartache, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-10 21:13:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7007191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean can't remember his life ever being this calm. He can't remember ever being this happy. But, he also can't forget who he really is. He can't forget the only life he's ever known.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How am I supposed to give this up?

"You'd better not be getting crumbs in my hair. You're getting crumbs in my hair, aren't you?"

Cas just laughed at Dean, "I don't know, maybe."

Dean reached up to where his head was resting against Cas's chest and ran his fingers through his hair. "No more popcorn for you. I am officially cutting you off" he said, covering the bowl that was sitting on his stomach.

"Guys, the movie?"

"Sammy, untie your panties" Dean said, moving the popcorn bowl to the coffee table. He tilted his head to look at Cas and whispered, "I don't trust you" before settling back against him. Cas laughed again and kissed the top of Dean's head. Now that the bowl was gone, he could see the strip of bare skin between the bottom of Dean's t-shirt and the top of his jeans. He reached down with one hand and started to gently trail his fingers along it. Dean shivered against him and again tilted his head. "I love you" he mouthed and leaned up for a kiss. Cas bent his head, and their lips met. "I love you too" he whispered. He slowly started to slide his fingertips along the inside of Dean's waistband. He loved these nights, the easy calm that fell over them, the way that Dean's body fit perfectly between his legs and back against his chest. Dean purposely shifted, causing just enough friction to distract them both. This was a game that they played. Seemingly innocent movements meant to see who could hold out the longest. Nobody really kept track of who won. He let his fingers slide a little lower and felt Dean's stomach tense against his touch. He smiled and rested his cheek against the top of Dean's head. He was winning. Dean was sliding his hands up and downs Cas's legs, and shifted his body again.

"My god guys, get a room" Sam said without even turning to look at them, he just knew.

"What Sammy?" Dean asked innocently, trying not to laugh at his brother's annoyance. "We're watching the movie."

"We are?" Cas whispered. Dean just nodded, still holding in his laughter. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's chest and kissed him again on the top of his head. Dean reached up and pressed his hands against Cas's arms, holding them close against him. Their game went into time-out and they just held each other with gentle affection.

Sam finally turned to look at them and smiled. Dean was completely relaxed in Cas's arms, and Cas spent as much time looking down at Dean as he did looking at the TV. Sam had always known that they would end up here, he just never realized how bumpy the road would be. He grabbed Dean's abandoned bowl of popcorn and turned back to the movie.

Dean was starting to doze off when he felt Cas's fingers again. He opened his eyes and saw the credits rolling down the TV screen. Sam was walking away, the empty popcorn bowl in his hand. "Goodnight guys," he yawned, shutting off the lights as he went.

Dean leaned back against Cas, reveling in the familiar touch. "We should probably go to bed," he murmured without moving. "We probably should" Cas murmured back. Dean was always happiest when he was in Cas's arms. Finally he stood up and reached his hand back. Cas loved how Dean always reached for him, wanting the assurance that he was there. Dean loved how Cas always reached back with complete and total trust. Cas slid his hand into Dean's and followed him to their bedroom. 

When the door shut behind them, they reached for one another in the dark. Cas slowly slid his hand across Dean's stomach. He heard a low moan and could feel Dean pull his shirt over his head, dropping it on the floor at their feet. There was no urgency. They softly touched, pulling and fumbling until they were undressed and laying skin to skin in their bed. They lost themselves in the feel of each other's hands and mouths, so familiar but not predictable. It was gentle, lazy, and satisfying. It ended with Dean in Cas's arms, his head upon his chest. "I love you" Cas said quietly, pulling him close. "I love you too" Dean whispered as he placed a kiss on Cas's chest, just over his heart. "I always will, Cas."

\-------------------------

Cas listened to Dean softly snore and thought about the first time they made love. Maybe 'made love' wasn't the right description. Dean was drunk. Cas was inexperienced. Dean was hurting. Cas was still an angel.

Theirs was a love story that was almost impossible to believe. They came from two different worlds. Dean's was a world of danger and secrets. Cas's was a world that had long been misunderstood.

Dean occasionally called Cas his angel, but nobody ever called him by his angelic name. Castiel was the name that his father had given to him. Castiel had been a devoted warrior, he'd loved his father and he'd loved humanity. He didn't know that he was capable of loving a single human more than the others, not until he crossed paths with Dean Winchester.

\-------------------------

Castiel had always been surrounded by souls, heavenly souls. The remnants of people who had lived their lives with honor and unwavering belief. That's all he had known. But, Castiel had been given orders. He was ordered to retrieve a soul from hell, and he never questioned his orders. He was reviled, and a little afraid. He imagined this soul, this thing that he was ordered to touch would be dark and ugly. He was expecting evil incarnate that went by the name Dean Winchester. Castiel's world was black and white, until he touched Dean. The hatred and anger that emanated in waves against his hand were painful. The underlying veins of loyalty and self doubt were heartbreaking. Dean Winchester wasn't good or bad, Dean Winchester was both. Castiel knew that Dean's soul hadn't been meant for hell. The description of their plans for Dean had been vague, at best, and Castiel never felt right about what he'd done that day. His world became cloudy. That's when Castiel was told that Dean broke the first of the 66 seals needed to start the apocalypse. That's when Castiel was told what was expected of him. That's when Castiel began to question his orders.

\-------------------------

Cas felt the loss of body heat and pulled the blanket up, quietly mumbling in his sleep. Dean paused, sitting on the edge of the bed, and smiled as he turned to look behind him. Normally Cas woke up before him and he wasn't going to pass up an opportunity to watch him sleep, just for a moment. He slowly bent over and kissed Cas gently on the forehead before he stood up and got dressed. He walked into the main room and was surprised to see that Sam wasn't there. He was the resident early riser. Dean started coffee brewing in the kitchen and leaned back against the counter. Lately Sam had been talking about hanging up the salt, iron, and silver and retiring. Hunters didn't retire, hunters died. It was an inevitability and Dean had accepted it as his fate a long time ago. He had never wanted to be a hunter, he was never given a choice. But, it was the only life that he knew and he was the best there was. It was a bittersweet idea. He saw the look on Cas's face every time he and Sam left for a hunt. He felt Cas's fear in their goodbye kiss. Cas knew the life, but it was the life that had brought them together. Dean reached to pull a mug from the cabinet when he heard Sam. He grabbed a second mug and turned around. He filled them both and handed one to his brother.

"Dean? You okay?" Sam asked, sitting down at the table.

"Yeah, Sammy, I'm good. Just tired. I don't know how you do this 'waking up early' shit every day."

Sam laughed, "I don't have a warm body next to me in my bed every day."

Dean seemed to have been the last one to know how he felt about Cas. There were times when he felt like Cas had betrayed him, times when he wanted Cas out of his life. But, that road ran both ways. They had a long history and Dean knew that Cas was part of the reason that Sam wanted him to retire.

\-------------------------

Dean had gone to hell, but not for any heinous actions on his part. He had traded his soul for Sam's life. Even then, the Winchester name was known. Their father had been one of the greatest hunters, and one of the biggest bastards there was. Dean was so young, only four years old, and Sam was just a baby when their mother was killed by a demon in their home. Dean had fleeting memories of carrying Sam out of their burning house, and those were his last memories of a normal childhood. John Winchester dragged his boys around the country, seeking retribution. The boys grew up in cheap motels in random cities learning how to fight things that most people only read about in books. They knew that the things that go bump in the night and the monsters under your bed were real, and they were taught how to kill them. It was a dangerous underworld, and no place to raise a child. The only redeeming thing that their father had done was to instill in them that family came first. That's why Dean went looking for a deal in order to save Sam's life. The crossroads demon was eager, and one year later the hell hounds came for him. Every one earthly month equated to ten years in hell. Four months after the hounds came, Castiel rescued Dean. Dean spent forty years in the pit. He had talked to Sam about it once, and they never brought it up again. 

\--------------------------

"Damnit!" Sam cursed, interrupting Dean's thoughts.

"What?"

"Cas got into the shower first, and he always uses up all of the hot water. What does he do in there that takes so damn long?"

Dean grinned at his brother, "well in my experience with Cas in the shower..."

"Okay, sorry I asked."

"Don't worry Sammy, I've got this. I'll just go find out for ya."

Sam rolled his eyes at Dean's back as he left the kitchen. 

\-------------------------

Dean cracked the bathroom door open quietly and slipped in. He threw his clothes off and snuck up behind Cas. "Hey" he whispered in Cas's ear as he wrapped him arms around him. "I was sent to find out why it takes you so long to shower." He started to kiss the back of Cas's neck, working his way across his shoulders. He let go of his waist and slid his hands down, Cas was already hard. Dean wrapped his hand around him, his mind full of ideas, when Cas stopped him.

"As much as I want you to continue, this water will get cold soon. You wash and I'll dry."

Dean groaned and let go of Cas. He poured body wash into his hands and started running them all over Cas's body, taking his time. By the time they'd used up all of the hot water, Dean felt like he'd just taken one of the most sexually frustrating showers in his life. They stepped out and Cas started drying Dean's body with a towel. He pushed Dean against the wall and dropped to his knees to run the towel down Dean's legs. He reached out and grabbed Dean's cock, gently squeezing and fondling until it was hard. Dean moaned, he knew how well Cas could use his mouth and he knew how much he enjoyed doing it. He looked down and watched Cas slide his tongue around his head, licking the pre come off. He ran his tongue along the ridge below the head, and licked Dean again, slowly sliding his hand up and down the shaft. He sucked and swirled his tongue before finally taking the head into his mouth. Dean gasped. He knew that Cas could take him down his throat, and he was just waiting. He didn't have to wait for long before Cas dipped his head slowly and took Dean's cock into his mouth. "Oh god, Cas" Dean moaned as he reached down and ran his fingers through Cas's hair. Cas had given him head many times, but somehow he was able to make each time feel new, different. Dean had to stop himself from rocking his hips, encouraging Cas to take him. He was trying to make it last as long as he could. Cas started moving his mouth faster, swirling his tongue each time he took Dean in, deeper and deeper. By the time he gently cupped Dan's balls with his other hand, Dean was panting his name and gripping his hair. He felt the familiar throb. Cas gently squeezed him and slid his head all of the way forward, swallowing Dean's hot come as it shot down the back of his throat. He softly touched and licked until Dean had gone soft and was too sensitive to take any more. "Oh my god" Dean moaned when he felt Cas stand up, sliding his body against Dean's. "If this is how it's going to be, I'll always put you in charge of drying." He wrapped his arms around Cas and kissed his neck. Cas tilted his head back and looked at him. Dean could get lost in those blue eyes. Just locking his gaze with Cas's made him emotional. Cas brought that out in him. Cas knew everything about him, he had seen him at his worst and loved him anyway. Most of the time Dean felt like he didn't deserve it. "I haven't told you yet that I love you, have I?" Dean couldn't tear his eyes away. "Nope, I slept in." Cas smiled, "But I did feel your forehead kiss earlier, so close enough". Dean kissed him one last time before they got dressed. "So, do we tell Sam why there's no hot water?" Dean laughed. "Only if we want him to give us that look." Cas answered as he opened the door and let out the rest of the steam. He reached for Dean's hand, "c'mon, I need coffee." Dean just nodded and let Cas lead him to the kitchen.

Sam didn't even bother to look up. He loved his brother, Dean meant everything to him, but there were things that Sam didn't need to know. The details of Cas and Dean's sex life was one of those things. Sam knew that in Cas, Dean had found his once in a lifetime love. Sam had found his own while in college, but she had been taken from him too soon. He could still remember the way Jess felt when he held her, the smell of her hair, the way that she believed in him. Jess made Sam want to be the man that she saw when she looked at him. That's what Cas did for Dean. Cas made Dean believe in himself when nobody else could.

"Good Morning Sam."

Sam finally looked up and smiled at Cas. He was still trying to get used to seeing Cas wearing something other than a cheap suit and trenchcoat, the earthly uniform of the angels. "Hey Cas, there should be plenty of coffee left." That was another thing that Sam was adjusting to, Cas's humanity. He ate and he slept, both were things that he didn't do as an angel.

\-------------------------

The first time that Sam saw Dean and Castiel together, he knew that the angel was in love with his brother. He also knew that his brother was oblivious. They had a long and complicated history with Castiel. Sam didn't know when his brother fell in love with Castiel, but he often thought that it was in the beginning, when they first met. Dean had started the apocalypse in hell, that was common knowledge. Through a strange and intricate series of events, Sam ended it by sacrificing himself. Sacrifice was the Winchester way. Before Sam took the leap, he begged Dean to give up hunting. He wanted Dean to live the 'normal' life that he'd never had. Sam spent four years away at college, Sam had already experienced the world as something other than a hunter. Feeling like he owed it to Sam, Dean did seek out a former girlfriend and tried to settle down. He spent a year living that life, but never really felt like he fit. He tried to be a loving provider to Lisa and her son Ben, but the hunting life was so ingrained in him that he painted devils traps under rugs and kept holy water next to his bed. As much as he wanted to, he could never truly give himself to them. Who he was, how he'd lived, didn't fit into the 'real' world. He knew that one day it would catch up to him and put innocent lives in danger, and he was right. In a convoluted way, it was through Lisa that Dean found love. 

\-------------------------

"Dean, now is the perfect time to step away from the game. Nothing big is gunning for us. We don't owe anybody favors. The slate is as clean as it is ever going to get."

Dean turned around to make sure that Cas wasn't within ear shot, he hadn't talked to Cas about Sam's idea to retire. "Okay Sam, you're right. But explain to me how I am supposed to just walk away from the only life that I have ever known. You paint a pretty picture but I think that we both know how hunters leave the life. They do it painfully and bloody."

"And that's how you want to leave Cas..."

"Damnit Sam, do NOT bring Cas into this. Don't lay that on me right now."

"Dean..."

"No Sam, I'm fucking done listening. If you want to bail, great. It wouldn't be the first time we've gone our separate ways. But until you can tell me what I am supposed to do with myself, I'm done talking about it."

Sam cringed when he heard Dean slam his bedroom door shut. 

\-------------------------

Dean didn't notice Cas laying on the bed reading a book when he slammed the door. 

"What's wrong Dean?"

Dean spun around and saw Cas propped up on his elbows, his book laying forgotten next to him. 

"Just...Sam. Pain in the ass little brother bullshit. I didn't know that you were in here or I wouldn't have slammed the door."

"It's fine. Do you want me to leave you alone? Do you want to go somewhere?" Cas knew better than to ask Dean if he wanted to talk. Dean talked when he felt like talking. 

"Let's go. Get out of the bunker. Go do something. Are you hungry? I'll buy you dinner, but you've got to promise that you'll put out later."

Cas couldn't help but smile. Dean had a voracious sexual appetite and sometimes it was hard to keep up with him, but he tried. Dean was his first, and his only. "Okay, but you have to promise to respect me in the morning."

Dean didn't even look at Sam as he and Cas walked out of the bunker. They got into Dean's 1967 Chevy Impala, his baby, his pride and joy, and left. 

Cas knew that whatever Sam and Dean had been fighting about was weighing heavily when Dean drove two towns over just for greasy diner food. It was moments like this when Cas wondered if he'd made the right decision when he let his angel grace wear out in order to become human. As an angel he could always sense what Dean was going through. Even though he knew Dean better than almost anybody, as a human, he had to do it on Dean's terms.

Cas didn't know why it still surprised him when Dean would hold his hand or steal a kiss in public. He knew that he wasn't the first man that Dean had been with, but he'd wrongly assumed that Dean associated his sexuality with masculinity. They didn't have the woman/man dynamic in their relationship, Cas never felt like he had to be the weaker partner. But, they always seemed to have the same experience any time they went anywhere. Cas would walk into a room and the women would take notice. It was usually his bluer than blue eyes and full lips that got their attention, but then Dean would walk in and all of the attention turned. Dean was beautiful, his dark hair, his green eyes, his perfect face, and tight body. He had swagger and charm and women could not take their eyes off of him, until he touched Cas. He would pull Cas to him or kiss him and the mood would change to one of disappointment, except for the few women who still looked at them, willing to take the challenge to 'change' them. 

Despite his charming grins and flirtatious ways with the waitress, Cas could still tell that something was troubling him. "Dean, are you okay? Is there anything I can do?"

Dean started to make some inappropriate sexual comment when he stopped himself. He didn't know why he hadn't told Cas about what Sam wanted. Maybe it was because he knew that Cas would want it to, and he'd feel backed into a corner by the two people that he loved the most. But, he wasn't being fair. He reached across the table for Cas's hand. "Sam wants to retire."

Cas was surprised. Hunters didn't retire, he knew how it worked. And they weren't just hunters, they were the Winchesters. They had fought battles of cataclysmic proportions, Cas had been there. He had fought along side them. He had healed them and bled with them. He had watched both of them die, just to be resurrected. They'd been to heaven and hell, even purgatory. Their lives weren't to be believed. 

"He feel like we're at a good place to do it. Things are quiet right now. We're not on anyone's shit list, well at least not any of the major players. He thinks we could just walk away and live out the rest of our days peacefully." Dean continued.

"There's no guarantee, but it is possible." He hated that Dean still hunted, he was terrified every time he walked out that door, even if it was just to go help another hunter. He had already lost Dean for one reason or another too many times, he couldn't do it again. But, as much as he loved Dean, he wasn't in a position to ask him to stop. Hunting was all that he knew. Dean never asked him to give up his grace, he never expected him to walk away from the only life he'd ever known, and he owed him that same respect.

"I don't know Cas. I mean, it isn't about the big battles anymore. It isn't about fixing my fuck ups, we've already been there. Dean Winchester has always been a hunter. It's the shit life that I was given and I don't know how to do anything else. Sam went to college, he has his books and his lore. He can spend all day staring at that computer. I don't have that. And then there's you, us..." Dean dropped his head.

"No" Cas said, stopping him mid sentence. "This isn't about me or us. I love you Dean, more than anything, but I can't be your reason for staying or going."

Dean just squeezed his hand before pulling away. "I know, you're right Cas." he said softly.

\-------------------------

Sam was still sitting at the table when they got home, and again Dean just walked past him without saying a word. Cas nodded at him and followed Dean down the hallway to their bedroom. Dean was already getting undressed when Cas shut the door. "I ate too much and I'm exhausted, so I'm going to take a raincheck on that putting out thing. I'm sorry."

Cas had to smile, "I'm pretty sure that a lack of physical contact isn't a problem between us."

"I'm not apologizing to you, I'm apologizing to my dick."

Cas laughed as he stripped down and crawled into bed. Dean would probably be trying to cash in his raincheck in a couple of hours. Dean flipped off the light and crawled in bed next to him, pulling Cas's body against his.

"Cas?"

"Yeah?"

"When you gave up your grace, when you finally cut that tie and decided to become human, why did you do it?"

Cas took a deep breath. "I never actually cut that tie, I knew that my grace was fading so I just let it happen."

"Why?"

"I don't believe in their cause anymore. I regret things that I have done in heaven's name. I was a hypocrite."

They laid in silence, Cas wished he knew what Dean was thinking. He finally felt Dean lean towards him, "I love you" he whispered as he pressed his lips against Cas's. "I love you too, Dean."

Dean tried to fall asleep, but his body was starting to react to having Cas so close. He had always had a healthy sexual appetite, but he couldn't get enough of Cas. Even though their first time was a drunken unintentional mess, Dean hadn't wanted to touch anyone else since then. 

\-------------------------

Dean had tried to live that normal life for a year. But, when Sam came back unexpectedly and asked for help, Dean left. He and Lisa kept up the pretenses of making a relationship work, despite his lifestyle, but they both knew that it was played out and over. He had loved Lisa and Ben as much as he knew how, and it did hurt when they finally realized that they were done. It was such an ugly time in Dean's life, and when the demons saw an opportunity, they took it. They kidnapped Lisa and Ben, forcing Dean's hand. He was barely able to get them out alive and intact. It made him realized just how toxic he was, so he asked Castiel to scrub their memories. He didn't want either of them to remember what had happened, he didn't want either of them to remember who he was. He felt so empty when he approached them after Castiel left and they treated him like the stranger that he needed to be. The only thing he wanted to do was drink and forget. He bought a bottle and went back to his motel. He didn't want to remember anything, not that night. Sam was gone, he had the room to himself, so he sat on the bed and drank straight out of the bottle. He was at least half way through it when Castiel showed up. Dean couldn't decide if he was happy to see him or not. When Castiel offered to leave, Dean stopped him. Things were always so complicated between them, but Castiel understood him. Castiel understood his life. And although he hadn't admitted it to himself yet, there was something between them. Castiel was surprised when Dean kissed him, Dean was more surprised when Castiel kissed him back. Dean had so much going on that he just wanted to shut everything out, at least for one night. The alcohol helped, but he just needed to be with somebody, to lose himself. Castiel was so willing and Dean was so needy that they ended up in bed. Dean taught him how to touch a man's body, how to touch his body, how to please him. Dean wasn't gentle, but Castiel couldn't get enough of him, even when Dean lubed up his cock and slid it inside the first painful time. Dean wanted to just write it off as a drunken roll in the sack with a friend, but he couldn't do that. He knew that his body belonged to Castiel and nobody else had touched him since. Dean would look for any opportunity to touch him after that, he was insatiable. He had fallen in love, and Castiel had become his weakness. It took a fight with Sam for him to finally see it. Dean couldn't figure out why they seemed to always have their backs against the wall until Sam got angry and told him it was because he had lost his focus. He'd lost his edge. That the endgame was no longer his priority, Castiel's safety was. After years of sneaking around to be with Castiel, Dean finally opened his eyes and saw Cas...he hadn't slept alone since...

\--------------------------

Dean was pleasantly surprised when he woke up to the feel of Cas kissing and biting his neck, he softly moaned and tilted his head to give Cas better access to the sensitive skin. "Are you ready to cash in that raincheck?" Cas whispered. He could picture the smile on Cas's face. Without saying a word, Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and pulled him in for a desperate kiss. This wasn't a night to be gentle. He felt fingers digging into his back as he rolled on top of Cas and pinned him to the bed. He could feel them both growing hard against their stomachs and he pressed his body down, trapping their cocks between them, rocking his hips slowly. He dipped his head and caught Cas in a passionate kiss, their tongues hotly exploring the others mouth. He was so hard that it almost hurt and he knew what he wanted. "Over" he whispered in Cas's ear. He reached in the nightstand for the lube while Cas rolled onto his stomach. Dean grabbed Cas's hips and pulled him up on his knees, his chest and face still pressed against the bed. Dean loved that ass. He loved everything about it. "I plan to fuck you stupid" he whispered as he dripped lube on his fingers. "If you can remember your name when I'm done, then I didn't do it right." Cas just moaned, wanting Dean to touch him. Dean pressed one finger against Cas's hole and rubbed around the rim. Cas pushed his body back, he wanted to feel it inside of him but Dean wasn't ready for that yet. He kept rubbing, reaching around to grasp Cas's cock. He stroked it until he felt Cas start to throb, "not yet" he whispered and stopped. He finally slid just his fingertip in and pulled it back out. He knew that he could make Cas come all over the sheets right now if he wanted to, but he didn't want to. He started to rub Cas's hole again and slid his finger all of the way inside, pumping it back and forth, ignoring Cas's prostate. Cas gasped when he felt the second finger and started rocking his body back against Dean, "your cock...please...now" he whimpered into the pillow. Dean moved his fingers around until he found the spot he was looking for. Cas moaned while Dean rubbed and lined up his cock. He slid his fingers out and his cock in, burying himself deep inside of Cas. He reached around again and could feel that Cas was ready to come. Dean started to thrust, tilting Cas's hips so that his cock hit the sweet spot. Even after all of these years, Cas was still so tight around him that he couldn't last very long. He stroked Cas a couple of times and felt the hot come dripping all over his hand, Cas was burying his face into the pillow trying to quiet the sound of him calling out Dean's name. He kept rubbing and squeezing while he slammed his hips against Cas. Dean could feel it build and with one final thrust he pulled Cas's hips back to meet his and exploded. He held Cas against him, still softly rocking his until he started to go limp. He pulled out and fell onto his back next to Cas. Cas slid his body flat on the bed and laid on his stomach next to Dean. "Okay, Q&A time. What's your name?" Dean whispered. Cas just moaned, "don't know...don't care." Dean smiled and reached down to slap his ass. He got Cas to roll over so that they could clean up and then he laid on his side and pulled Cas back against him. Cas was worn out and asleep before he could even tell Dean goodnight.

\-------------------------

Cas woke up early and crawled out of bed, trying not to wake Dean up. His entire body hurt and he could feel bruises on his hips where Dean's fingers had been. He threw on some clothes and left the room, softly closing the door behind him. He could smell coffee which meant that Sam was already up. He walked into the kitchen to pour himself a mug and found Sam sitting at the table. He sat down gently across from Sam. "Dean told me what you were arguing about yesterday."

Sam was surprised, "Oh yeah? What did he say?"

"That you want to retire." Cas said, taking a sip of coffee.

"I do, and I think we can. I just can't get him to see it."

"Have you really listened to him, Sam? Have you really heard his side? Dean doesn't feel like he is worth anything if he isn't hunting. You asking him to retire is like asking him to stop existing. I don't like that he hunts, I think that we all know that, but it's who he is. If you take that away from him then he'll lose himself, and I don't know how to deal with that."

"I know, I've already thought of all of that, but there has to be something."

Cas lifted his head and looked at Sam, "what ever happened Bobby's place?"

Bobby had been a hunter, and more of a father than an uncle to Sam and Dean. He always hated the way that John Winchester raised those boys. After their father died, Bobby was there to see them through some of their toughest battles. They both knew that they wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for him. He had been killed a few years ago and they were still trying to mourn that loss, that's why they never went up to South Dakota to the salvage yard. Singer Salvage was Bobby's place. It's where Sam learned how to research lore. It's where Dean learned how to be the hunter that he was. It was almost sacred ground to the Winchester boys.

"It burned down, you know that."

"Yeah, but who owns it?"

"Well, he left it to me and Dean, we've just never done anything with it."

"And you're still friends with the sheriff up there?"

"Jody? Yeah, I still hear from her on occasion. Why?"

"I think I have an idea..."

Sam and Cas talked and made plans until they heard Dean get up.

\--------------------------

Dean noticed that Sam seemed busier than usual. He was always on his phone or at his computer. He hadn't brought up retiring lately, but he hadn't found any big cases either. Dean was getting restless. Sam knew how bad Dean would get if he went too long without a case to work so he started throwing him some small cases. Sometimes sending him alone, sometimes going with him, and more often than not sending him to help a less experienced hunter. It kept Dean busy and took off the edge. Cas still hated it every time Dean left, but he knew why Sam was doing it.

\--------------------------

Dean and Cas were laying on the couch, Dean resting between Cas's legs and against his chest. Dean had returned from a hunt last night and Cas had given him quite the welcome home. He was feeling lazy and relaxed, but couldn't find anything to watch on TV. Cas finally took the remote away from him and turned it off. 

"Dean?"

"Yeah Cas" Dean mumbled. He was already considering a nap and they'd just finished breakfast.

"I've been thinking, and I want to talk to you about this retirement thing."

"Cas, I thought you were going to stay out of it." Dean groaned, sitting up and moving away from Cas. This was Cas's biggest fear, that Dean would get angry with him for saying something.

"Just hear me out, please."

Dean had a hard time saying no to Cas, but this was not a conversation that he wanted to have. "I'll hear you out, but I'm not going to guarantee that I won't get pissed off or that this won't lead to an argument."

"I know. It's just...I love you Dean. I love you more than anything."

"No Cas, you are not throwing a guilt trip on me." Dean stood up and tried to walk away. Cas reached out and grabbed his wrist before he could.

"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I'm not. I just can't sit here and watch you leave, hoping you'll come back in one piece and continue to keep my mouth shut and act like everything is okay. Everything is not okay."

"Oh, that's not a guilt trip? Seriously Cas?"

Cas couldn't afford this blowing up between them. "It's not supposed to be. I get why you feel the way you do, trust me. I walked away from everything that I knew. I know how that feels."

"I never asked you to Cas. I've never asked anything of you. And I'm calling bullshit if you say that you did it for me because if that's the case, then it was pointless. You did it for the wrong reasons."

"I didn't do it for you, Dean, but I did think about you when I made the decision. Do you realize how long it has taken us to get to where we are? Years, Dean. How many times have we been used against one another? Everybody out there knows that you have two weaknesses, me and Sam. They've pretty much used up the Sam card, but I'm still here."

"Do not do this to me. Don't."

Cas was trying to hold it together, but it wasn't easy. "Do what? Tell you that I love you? Tell you that I always have? Tell you that I always will? We both already know that. That's not a guilt trip, it's fact. I have never loved anyone but you. I have never touched anyone but you. Nothing has ever meant as much to me as you do, so go ahead and get pissed off at me for not wanting to lose you."

Dean seemed to soften, "I know all of that Cas. And you know how much you mean to me, but there are things that I need to do to keep myself sane. If I lose who I am, I won't be the man that you fell in love with anymore."

"No, you'll be the man that I have to stand in front of at a hunter's funeral some day." Tears welled up in Cas's eyes, this was not going the way he wanted it to.

"I can't fucking believe this. This...this right here is why hunters don't fall in love and have normal lives."

Cas couldn't hold back the tears, "I said my piece" and he walked away. He heard Dean call his name, but he knew that Dean was too damn stubborn to follow him. He closed the bedroom door behind him and just sat on the edge of the bed and cried. If the plan that he and Sam came up with didn't work, then he didn't know what the future held. His life had revolved around Dean for so many years. He had betrayed Dean at times, he knew that, but it was part of the lives they lead. He knew that was no excuse, but it was true. Dean had done the same to him. Hell, even the brothers had betrayed each other, turned their backs on one another. He heard a gentle knock on the door. He'd already heard Dean's car pull away so he knew it was Sam. "Come in Sam."

Sam just cracked the door and peeked his head in, "You okay?"

"No, but there's not much I can do about it. I told him how I feel. It's up to him now."

"We both know Dean. He's pissed, but he'll get over it. You are doing the right thing. We both are."

"Thanks Sam, I hope you're right."

\-------------------------

Dean didn't come home. Cas waited to hear the car but eventually fell asleep on the couch, emotionally exhausted. He woke up when he heard the bunker door open, but he didn't move. Dean walked right past him and went into their bedroom. Dean had never done that before. Cas knew it might get ugly, but he followed him.

"So, um...I don't even know what to say" he stammered from the doorway.

"I thought you already said it all." Dean's eyes were glazed. He was either angry or hungover, or both. "Don't worry, I didn't go get trashed and fuck somebody. I couldn't if I wanted to, we both know that I don't want to."

"Dean..."

"You can't back me into a corner like that, Cas. That's a Sam move."

"I wasn't trying to back you into a corner. I was telling you how I feel."

"I know how you feel. I see it on your face every time I leave. I feel it every time you kiss me goodbye. And it's there, in your arms every time I come home safe. I hate that shit, Cas. I hate putting you through it but I have nothing else. You and Sam keep telling me that you understand, but you don't. This is the guy that you fell in love with. Right here, scars and all. And now I feel like the worlds biggest asshole for being this guy. Do you know how long it's been since I felt this way?"

Cas couldn't stop the tears.

"And now you stand in front of me and cry. I'm a whole new level of asshole."

"No Dean," Cas whispered. "I was wrong for saying anything. It's your life." and he turned and walked away. 

Dean didn't know what to do with himself. This was the first real argument he and Cas had been in since they'd been together, since Dean realized that he was emotionally invested. He laid back on the bed the threw his arm over his eyes.

\------------------------- 

Dean sat up and looked at the clock next to the bed. Hours had passed, he must have fallen asleep. He hated how he felt, so he got up and went in search of Cas. It wasn't hard to find him sitting on the couch watching a movie. "Hey" Dean said quietly from behind the couch.

Cas looked back at him, "Hey."

Dean could see the hurt in Cas's eyes. He moved around the couch and squatted down in front of him, "are we still fighting?"

"No, I never should have said anything. I'm sorry Dean."

"I'm sorry too. So how does this work? Are we good now?"

Cas smiled, "Yeah, we're good."

Dean crawled up on the couch and straddled Cas's body with his legs, their faces were just inches apart. "Is this where we get to have make up sex?"

Cas laughed and looked behind him, "Sam is sitting like 20 feet away."

"I won't tell him if you don't." Dean leaned forward to give Cas a kiss. He slid until their chests were touching and glanced over Cas's shoulder. "He isn't even paying attention" he whispered as he reached between them and started rubbing Cas through his pants. Cas started to moan and Dean silenced him with a kiss, "you're going to get us busted." Cas just smiled, "you're the one who started this." Dean kissed him again and continued to work him through his pants. He felt Cas's breath catch when he undid the button on his jeans and lowered the zipper. Cas tried to look back over his shoulder when he felt Dean wrap his hand around his cock. "Stay quiet and he'll never know," Dean whispered before he bent his head to kiss Cas's neck. He started sliding his hand up and down the shaft and could feel Cas holding back. "You are so mean" Cas whispered. Cas leaned his head against the back of the couch and tried to breathe evenly while Dean stroked him. He didn't know if it was the emotions of the day or the fact that they could get caught at any time, but he was going to come soon. Dean squeezed harder and stroked faster, watching Cas's face. He felt Cas throbbing and could see his eyes roll back as he bit his lower lip to stop himself from moaning while he came all over Dean's hand. Once he caught his breath, Cas laughed at Dean. "Let me guess, no tissues?" he asked as he tucked himself back into his pants. Dean looked over Cas's shoulder again, "no. Damnit, now I have to walk past Sam to go wash my hands." Cas couldn't stop laughing. "It's your own fault." Dean bent his head and kissed him. "But you're not complaining," he said as he stood up and silently walked to the bathroom. 

He came back and saw that Cas was laying on the couch, holding the remote and staring at the TV. He slid between Cas's legs and layed back against his chest, his favorite place to be. "What are we watching?"

"I don't know, I got a little distracted."

Dean chuckled as he took the remote and tried to find something to watch. He felt Cas wrap his arms around his chest and smiled, they survived their first fight. All he had to do from now on was give Cas a hand job when he got mad.

"I love you, Dean."

"I love you too, Cas."

Dean felt the kiss on the top of his head. Everything was going to be fine.

\-------------------------

"I'm going to talk to Dean about the plan today." 

Cas had been blowing on his morning coffee to cool it down when he lifted his head and looked at Sam. "Do you think you're ready? I mean do you have enough in place? Because we both know that he may not react well. You are going to have to make him understand his part, make him wrap his head around it. And I can't be part of that conversation, Sam. You know that."

"I know Cas, I wouldn't ask you to. This is on me."

They both heard the bedroom door close. Dean was up. 

"Wow, it's kind of hard to make yourself scarce when you can't just disappear anymore." Cas looked nervous, he didn't want to be around while Sam talked to Dean. This was something that the brothers needed to work out.

"Um, I'd tell you to go somewhere but we both know that Dean would kill both of us if you took his car and I knew about it. Maybe a walk through the woods? I don't know."

"Walk through the woods. Okay, good luck Sam. Text me when you're done, please?"

Sam watched Cas hurry up the stairs and quietly sneak out of the bunker.

"Morning Sammy, where's Cas?"

"He's around here somewhere. Hey Dean, can I talk to you?"

Dean poured his coffee and turned around, "is this about the retirement thing again?"

"Well, kind of. Just hear me out, okay?"

"Fine" Dean said, following Sam out to his work table.

"So, we both know that I'm basically built to take over for Bobby. There hasn't been any type of specialist to research since he died. I know the lore. I know the books. What I don't know, I can find."

"Okay great" Dean said, "so you can sit and man the phones. We've all seen that coming, Sam. You were taught by the best."

"Exactly! I was taught by the best. But we both know that the hunting world has changed. It isn't just vampires and werewolves anymore. I can talk someone through how to kill a djinn, but what about the bigger threats? What about demons and all of the new bullshit that has come into play?"

"Oh, you mean all of the fun ones that we invited to the party?"

"Okay, yes Dean, we did take hunting to a whole new level. But we're leaving that behind for the next generation of hunters to deal with. Things are quiet right now, but as long as the earth is here, it's going to need hunters. New hunters are going to have to be on top of their game."

"Sam, all hunters need to be on top of their game."

"Right, but can you imagine if one of the older hunters like Bobby or Rufus tried to fight some of the things that we have? They wouldn't survive. It took Dad over 20 years to track down one demon. How many hunters can say that they've seen heaven, hell, and purgatory? How many hunters have worked with angels and demons? Even the king of hell? These are all things that were unprecedented, but we pulled it off."

"Lovely bedtime story Sammy. Where are you going with this?"

"I can research. I can tell a hunter anything they need to know. I'm a voice or a text message. What this life needs is somebody with hands on experience actually showing them how it works. Let's be honest with ourselves, how much time do we have left? 10, maybe 20 years at best? There's a new generation coming on. Remember Claire and Krissy? Sure, they were both kids but we both know they'll end up hunting. They have the instinct. All good hunters have instinct, great hunters have skill. You're the best there is, Dean. Everybody knows that."

Dean just ran his hand across his forehead, "thanks for the compliment Sam, but I'm really not following you."

"You'll teach them."

"What?"

"You know the weaknesses and strengths, you know the weapons, you know how to deal with damn near everything out there. You'll teach them."

"Okay, back up here Sammy. I'll teach them? What, Hunting 101 with Dean Winchester? How? I mean..."

"Look Dean, it keeps you in the life, but from a distance. We have a place where hunters can stop, rest, shower, and learn."

"You want to bring newbies here to go play in the dungeon with me?"

Sam took a deep breath, "Bobby's. We'll rebuild Bobby's. I talked to Jody and she's more than happy to swing by every once in awhile to check things out. If there's any place on earth that should be a, I don't know, a hunters training center it should be Singer Salvage."

"So you want me to go up to Bobby's and show these kids how to deal with the serious shit?"

"We've seen things that aren't even in these books. I've tried to keep up by adding to my database but a lot of what we've been through was learned hands on."

Dean started pacing. Sam never knew if pacing was a good thing or a bad thing. Either Dean was considering it, or he was feeling caged. "Okay, say I jump on board, what do we do? I know you have some type of major master plan."

"I've talked to Garth and a couple of other guys who are willing to go clear out and work on building at Bobby's. Jody assured me that she could work something out as far as power and water, and there are all of those barns and garages. How much did we learn running through that maze of scrap metal and crushed cars? A lot. It's the perfect place. Everybody knew Bobby, it won't take long for the word to spread. And the only chance we have of teaching these new hunters about the life is if you do it. You go up to South Dakota whenever you want or if somebody desperately needs training and you show them your tricks. You're Dean Winchester, it's like having Muhammad Ali teaching you how to box. Seriously Dean, this can work."

Dean just kept pacing. The kid actually made sense. "But the bunker?"

"The bunker is ours. We don't bring this to the bunker. Of course I'll be working from of here, but anything hands on happens at Singer Salvage."

"Okay, I'm willing to admit that this isn't the worst idea you've had."

Sam let out a sigh of relief. Dean was actually thinking about it. Cas had come up with a brilliant plan.

"So, I kind of have everybody in a holding pattern right now waiting for a green light."

"Give me a couple of days, Sam. Just to sort through this. I'm not saying okay, but I'm not shutting you down. Just a couple of days."

"Whatever you need, Dean. I know we can make it work. We're Winchesters."

Dean squeezed Sam's shoulder and walked away. When Sam heard the shower start he sent Cas a text.

\-------------------------

Dean was getting dressed in the bedroom when Cas snuck up behind him. "Hey, let's go somewhere. Let's go get something to eat. I'll buy."

Dean turned and wrapped his arms around Cas, "You'll buy?"

"Yeah, somebody taught me how to pull off credit card scams. As long as you don't mind Ronnie Van Zant paying for your food."

"Ah, Lynyrd Skynyrd, I'm so proud right now." Dean gave Cas a quick kiss and let go to finish getting dressed.

Sam had told Cas that he thought Dean was really considering the plan, so Cas was hopeful. Dean just couldn't know that it was Cas's plan. Not after the fight they'd had. He knew that Dean would lose it if he thought that he and Sam were plotting behind his back. 

"Okay, let's go." Dean said, leading Cas out of the bedroom.

Dean was in a good mood all day. He was charming and flirtatious at lunch. When the waitress commented on what a cute couple they were and asked how they met, Dean told her, "we met at work. I was kind of a subcontractor on a project that his company was working on. He recruited me." He caught Cas's eye and winked. Cas almost choked on his water. 

"What?" Dean said innocently when she walked away. "I wasn't lying."

"I know, that's what's so funny."

They finished lunch and walked lazily around town, holding hands. Cas eventually stopped counting how many dirty looks he got from women. Dean was his and everybody knew it. They drove the long way home and made a stop in the woods to make out in the car. Dean was happy, happier than Cas had ever seen him. 

They climbed in bed that night and Cas layed his head on Dean's chest, just listening to his heart beat. Dean was distractedly playing with Cas's hair.

"Cas?"

"Hhmmm?" Cas felt so relaxed and right on that border of dozing off.

"So Sam and I talked today."

"About?" Cas had to stay calm and play along.

"He has this whole elaborate plan for, well I guess you could say for that retirement thing."

"Really?" Cas knew Dean, he knew that Dean had to want to talk about it. He couldn't ask too many questions.

"Yeah, it's kind of hard to explain. He wants to take over for Bobby, which makes sense. I mean we've all seen that coming. But now he has this idea that because we've seen so much, hell, we've unleashed so much, that new hunters aren't going to know how to deal with some of the crazier shit."

"That's true..."

"He wants me to teach them. He wants to build up Bobby's place as a kind of a hunter center and send me up there to work with them. He thinks they should learn the Winchester way."

"The Winchesters are the best. Everybody knows that." Cas could feel that Dean was leaning towards it, that it made sense to him.

"He told me that I'd still be in the game, but from a distance. I honestly don't know how the kid came up with it."

Cas knew that Dean could never find out that Sam didn't come up with it. 

"I mean, it makes sense. He has it all planned out. Garth and some of the guys are just waiting for the green light to start working on Bobby's. He's got Jody on board. He's just waiting for me."

Cas was holding his breath. He wanted to push Dean and ask, but he knew better.

"What do you think, Cas?"

"I think you should do what feels right. It's your decision, Dean." 

"I think I'm going to give Sam the go-ahead."

Cas hoped that Dean didn't hear or feel his sigh of relief. He leaned up for a kiss, "I love you Dean" he whispered. When Dean kissed him back he could feel that Dean wanted to be touched, he wanted it gentle and lazy. They spent all night rolling around on their bed, touching and kissing with soft hands and hot breaths. "God I love you Cas, I love you more than anything..." were the last words that Cas heard before he fell asleep.

\-------------------------

"So, do I start making the calls then?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, start making the calls."

Sam was surprised that Dean had jumped on board so quickly, but he knew that this was the best thing for them all. He called Garth and gave them the go ahead to start work at Bobby's. He called Jody to let her know. He called some of the bigger players in the life and let them know that the Winchesters weren't going to be actively hunting anymore. This was it, they were retired.

Dean helped Sam go over plans for the new building at Bobby's while Cas just watched and smiled. Once in awhile they would ask his opinion about something, but for the most part he just stayed out of it. Dean was busy, Dean was happy, and Dean was more in love than ever. He would work on training regiments and read them to Cas while they laid on the couch or in bed at night. They would talk about the battles they'd fought, and although some of the memories did sting a little, they were all things that Dean needed to remember. He finally felt like something more than a hunter. He finally felt like he and Sam were equals, that they both had a purpose and meaning beyond the life. Dean hadn't gone on, or asked for a hunt since the day that Sam started making calls. 

The three of them drove up to Bobby's to check on the progress. The old burnt house had been cleared and they were framing a new one. Sam and Dean both knew that they needed Garth to do that for them. Neither one of them could handle clearing out Bobby's old house. Garth was a hugger, but they didn't mind. He was doing a job that they couldn't, and they owed him. They gladly hugged him back. They walked around, sketching out the locations of the garages and barns as well as the maze of metal. Dean was so excited about his plans that sometimes Cas felt like he was watching a kid on Christmas. He didn't even talk about hunting. He talked about training and teaching. He had found his retirement niche. Cas couldn't have been happier. 

\-------------------------

They'd been back at the bunker for a few weeks and were finally relaxed. Everything was going as planned. They ate pizza and drank beer. Cas and Dean made love whenever and wherever they could. They joked and laughed. Sam's phones had already started ringing and sometimes Cas felt bad when he saw that Sam had been up all night. The brothers were getting ready to make a trip up to Singer Salvage to see how things were coming. Cas was supposed to go with them, but that was before he ended up with a case of the flu and couldn't get off of the couch. They had their bags packed and planned to leave in the morning. Cas could hear them at the table going over plans.

"One thing we haven't really thought about is that this place is going to be a target, Sam."

"What do you mean?"

"It's not just going to be hunters that know about it."

"You mean demons and all of that?"

"Yeah, I mean when it was Bobby's those things knew how to find us there, but it was just us. Now were're talking about the possibility of multiple hunters at a time being in the same spot. We are kind of setting ourselves up there."

"I've already thought about that. Traps and sigils. When Cas and I first talked about it that was one of the first things he brought up..."

The bunker went silent.

"Wait, what?" Dean asked.

The silence became deafening.

"Cas knew?" Dean stared at Sam. He walked over to the couch where Cas was laying, "You knew? You fucking knew? You have known all along and have been pretending that you don't?"

"Dean...I..."

"Wait, so if traps and sigils were one of the first things you talked about..." Dean stared at Cas, his green eyes flaring "that means that you helped plan this. You were in on this from the beginning. You have been fucking lying to me for months, telling me what I want to hear. Was this your idea or Sam's?"

"Dean..."

"Was this your idea or Sam's?" Dean asked evenly. 

"Mine."

Dean was seeing red, "It's a brilliant plan Cas, but you promised me that you were going to stay out of this" he yelled. "You could have been honest with me, you could have fucking told me, you didn't have to go behind my back."

Sam stood up, "Dean, it's not his fault. He..."

"Sam, stay out of this." Dean turned back to Cas. "Why Cas?"

"Dean, you know why. Okay, so I went about it the wrong way. I never intended to hurt you."

"You went behind my back. You've been lying to me."

"Dean, It's not like that..."

"Don't waste your time sitting here telling me that you did it because you love me, I know that's why. I know you hated that I was hunting. I know that you wanted me to stop. But you have spent months telling me that you'll stay out of it, that the decision is mine. You acted fucking clueless when I talked to you about Sam's supposed plan. I thought that when this finally happened...you and I...us being together, that we put all of the lying bullshit behind us. It's a hell of a plan Cas, it really is. Especially the part about the traps and sigils. Stellar thinking. I'm leaving for Bobby's tonight. I need to clear my head. I know you, and you're going to ask me if I want you to leave. No, I don't. I'll talk to you when I get back, but just so you know, it's going to take more than a hand job to fix this."

He grabbed his bags and looked at Sam, "you coming?"

Sam gave Cas an apologetic look and grabbed his own bags. "Yeah" he said quietly, "right behind ya."

Cas heard the door slam and the car start. He wasn't mad at Sam for slipping, he'd known all along that Dean might find out that he was the one who had planned this to get him to stop hunting.

\-------------------------

"Dean, don't you think you were a little hard on him." Sam finally asked after hours of silence in the car.

"I know I was. Things are just so, I don't know, complicated with me and Cas. They always have been. I know that he thought he was doing the right thing. But, all of those nights when he just listened to me talk and acted like he didn't know anything, that stings. I have a short fuse and I don't always think before I talk, you know that. I'll call him when we get to Bobby's."

They pulled up and the motel and Sam unloaded their bags while Dean tried to call Cas. He didn't expect him to answer.

"Cas, I'm sorry, okay? I really am. I shouldn't have gone off on you like that. I love you. Call me back."

"Did you get a hold of him?" Sam asked as he walked into the room.

"No, I didn't expect to. I left him a message. Now that was a hell of a long overnight drive and I'm exhausted. I'm going to crash. Do you want to head over to Bobby's now and swing back for me later?"

"Nah, I'm beat too. Might as well head over there together when we're up for it."

They fell asleep on top of the beds, still fully dressed.

Dean tried to call Cas again after he woke up and showered, but Cas still didn't answer. He just left him another message. He kept checking his phone while they walked around Bobby's.

"He still hasn't answered?"

"Nope. I know he's pissed Sam, but I've left him messages."

"Dean, keep in mind that he's also sick."

"I know, and that makes me feel even worse. I'll try again later."

Dean left another message, but after a couple of days his calls started going straight to voicemail. 

"Sam, everything looks fine up here. I need to talk to Cas. Are you okay with heading home tonight?"

"Yeah, sure, Dean." Sam knew that they were almost ready to start things going at Bobby's and he needed Dean to be able to focus. Cas was his weakness, he always would be, Dean needed to get this worked out so that his head was straight.

\-------------------------

They drove all night to make it back to the bunker. "Cas?" Dean yelled the minute he made it through the door, but was met with silence. It was an empty silence. Cas wasn't there. He looked everywhere anyway, but he couldn't find him.

"Where would he go? He doesn't have any way to get anywhere. He doesn't really know anybody. All of his things are still here." Dean was lost. He knew he'd been out of line, but he thought that Cas knew him well enough to know that he had to take some time to cool off. 

"Dean?"

Dean turned towards the sound of his brother's voice, "yeah Sam?"

"What's this?" Sam was holding a large black feather. "Is this from Cas's..."

Dean took it out of his hand, "Cas's wings? Yeah. This is one of his."

"How in the hell would it get here? He fell. He gave it all up."

"No Sam, he didn't" Dean said, dropping his head. He knew where Cas went.

Sam gave him a confused look. Cas wasn't an angel anymore. He hadn't been for awhile. 

Dean lifted his head and wiped the tears off of his cheeks. "He didn't give it up, he let his grace fade. He still has the option to try and get it back. He told me that he never did because he doesn't believe in their cause anymore."

"So that could belong to another..."

"No Sam, It's Cas's. This is from Castiel's wings."

He picked up his bag, still holding the feather, and walked to his room. He dropped his bag on the floor and crawled into bed. It still smelled like Cas. Cas's clothes were still hanging in the closet. His favorite picture of him and Dean was still sitting propped against the lamp. His book was still laying open on the desk. Dean didn't even go to sleep. He just laid in bed holding Cas's pillow against his face, the feather still in his hand. 

\---------------------------

Sam saw the bags under Dean's eyes when he stumbled into the kitchen. He knew that last night had to have been unbearable. He thought back to when he lost Jess. He knew how Dean was feeling, and he was nervous.

Dean poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down across from Sam, "I know that you are expecting me to lose my fucking mind and do something stupid, but I'm not. It isn't going to change anything. We're moving forward with the plan. I'm not going to fuck that up for you Sam, we've worked too hard on this. I'm just going to ask you not to bring up Cas. I don't want to talk about him. Not yet."

"Okay Dean, yeah, sure."

"Thanks Sam." Dean got up from the table and went to take a shower. He stood under the hot water and cried. He knew that hunters relationships always ended. His father, Bobby, Sam, they'd all lost their once in a lifetime love. It must be his turn. It physically hurt when he thought about laying in that bed alone, or being on that couch without Cas sitting behind him. He wasn't sure what made Cas go back upstairs, but if Cas had let his grace run out instead of just falling, then he had left himself an out. An out that he finally used. Dean wasn't going to go do something stupid and reckless. He wasn't going to try to drink himself to death. He wasn't that guy anymore, and honestly he had Cas to thank for that. He may have gone about it the wrong way, but Cas gave him a reason to keep going. He believed in what he and Sam were doing and that's what he needed to focus on right now. He couldn't let his brother down. He just hoped that Cas had listened to his messages, that Cas knew how sorry he was and how much he loved him.

\-------------------------

Things were finally starting up at Bobby's. Sam had quietly spread the news that Cas had gone back upstairs so that Dean didn't have to deal with questions. Dean was silently dealing with it by losing himself in work. They got the house up and going and plans into place. The first few times Dean went up there it was a little awkward, but eventually he figured it out and felt good about what he was doing. Sam's phones seemed to ring constantly and Dean actually started fielding a few calls here and there. When hunters found out that they had Winchesters at their disposal, they jumped on it. 

Dean went up to South Dakota a few times a month, but spent the rest of the time in the bunker. His days revolved around the work they were doing, and his nights were spent trying to fall asleep. He couldn't bring himself to move any of Cas's things. The picture was still there, the book was still there, and he kept the feather with him wherever he went. It was the closest thing he had to Cas. Some of the young female hunters tried hitting on him, but he just wasn't interested. He didn't want to touch anybody else, and he didn't hold out hope that Cas would change his mind and come back. If Sam could move on, if Bobby could move on after losing their loves, then so could he. 

Sam was surprised at how Dean was handling this. He saw the sadness in his brother's eyes every day, but he wasn't broken. He had kept up his end of the deal and they were pulling off Cas's plan. Maybe Dean's hard work was a way of paying homage to his love for Cas.

\-------------------------

Time went by quickly. Cas's vision was more successful than they had ever imagined. Sam and Dean were always busy and barely had time to stop and catch their breaths. Sam knew that his brother was still in pain, but it was the kind of pain that you learn to live with. He'd started laughing and joking again. He'd flash the charming grin and get the phone numbers, although now he just threw them away. He wasn't looking for anybody, he probably never would and he was okay with that. His bedroom was still intact, he hadn't moved or changed anything, he'd just gotten used to it. 

The phones got crazy and Dean was doing his best to help Sam. He learned more and more every day about researching and actually started to enjoy it. He was talking a hunter through a basic shapeshifter hunt when he heard Sam take a call.

"Um yeah, this is Sam. No, I can't do that. I've got other people in your area that I can send to help out. What seems to be the problem? What's going on? Really? Um, that is pretty serious. Listen, let me take down your number and I'll call you back. Just stay put. Thanks."

Dean ended his call and looked at his brother, "what was that?"

"They specifically asked for an experienced hunter."

"Okay, so we send them one."

Sam looked at the paper in his hand, at the phone number he'd written down. "I'm talking experienced, as in somebody who knows how to handle both upstairs and downstairs. We don't have anyone ready for that yet."

"How bad is it?"

"I don't know for sure, but it sounded pretty bad, pretty desperate. What should we do with this one?"

"Call them back and get the info. I'll take it."

"Dean..."

"Listen Sam, if I haven't had time to train someone to take a case then it's my responsibility to do it. It's one case. It won't be too much longer until I'll have somebody else ready to handle it."

"Take one of the others with you." Sam was nervous, things had been quiet but his brother was still Dean Winchester and this could be a trap.

"I can't do that. Not on a real case. I can't be responsible for a newbie and cover my own ass. Just get the info and I'll go."

Sam sighed and picked up the phone, as much as he hated it, Dean was right. Dean was already packing when he made the call and wrote down the info. He handed the paper to his brother and wished him luck. All he could hope was that an all out war wasn't starting. They weren't ready for that.

\-------------------------

Dean got in his car, checked the coordinates that Sam had given him and headed west. He drove all night until he got to the little seaside town listed on the paper. He was exhausted and wasn't sure what to do. If he went into this tired, then he wouldn't be on top of his game. If he stopped to sleep, he might be too late. He had to deal with this tired, he'd done it before and the fact that it was broad daylight worked to his advantage. He walked along the crowded pier looking for signs. Dean also knew that this could be a trap. It probably was, but teaching seemed to have heightened his senses. He walked up and down the pier multiple times but couldn't find anything. He finally stopped at the end and looked out over the water. He thought he had time to go get some sleep but as he turned away he saw a familiar figure standing at the water's edge. He'd know that shape anywhere. What in the hell...

He walked out to the water and dropped the black feather on the sand at Cas's feet. "Did you forget something when you left?"

"No" Cas said without turning around. "I left it there for you."

"What? As some type of goodbye note? Did you and Sam set this up?"

"Sam doesn't know that it was me who called."

"You know, I finally stopped crying every time I take a shower. I'm finally able to at least fall asleep in our...my bed, even if it's just for a few hours." Dean's chest hurt, he could barely see through the tears that had welled up in his eyes, and Cas still hadn't turned around to look at him. He didn't know what he was supposed to do.

"I'm sorry that you ever cried in the shower, I'm sorry that it's been hard for you to fall asleep in our bed." Cas said quietly.

"So why are you back? Why now? And why here? You made your choice. I've accepted that."

"My choice?"

"You went back upstairs. You already told me that you just let your grace fade. I'm guessing that gave you an out, a way to go back if you wanted to."

"I did go back upstairs. I was accepted back into the fold."

"So what is this?"

"I disavowed. I fell. I left and I can't ever go back now."

Dean's head was spinning, he had no idea what was going on.

"What is this Cas? Why did you bring me here?"

"You always said that you wanted to retire and go lay on a beach somewhere."

"So what...god will you at least look at me?" Dean knew that he was going to get lost in those blue eyes, but he couldn't just stand there and stare at the feather at Cas's feet anymore. Cas bent down and picked it up before he turned around. Dean could see the tears running down Cas's face. 

"You were right Dean. I did lie to you. I did betray you. And the whole time I was begging you to stop hunting, I was leaving myself the option to become an angel again. It wasn't fair and I was wrong. The night you left, I prayed. I didn't know where I stood but I prayed anyway. Somebody finally heard me and took me upstairs. My name has been cleared. I have a reputation as a great warrior. They want me to come back. But I told them no. I disavowed. I fell. I told you once that one of the reasons I left in the first place was because I felt like a hypocrite, what I did to you was true hypocrisy."

"The feather?"

"I had asked an angel to leave it for you. I didn't mean for it to hurt you. I kept one for myself. The rest of my wings have been destroyed. Castiel doesn't exist anymore. He never will."

"But, you still haven't answered my question. Why did you bring me here?"

"I'm not an angel anymore, Dean. You're not a hunter. I want to retire and go lay on a beach somewhere."

Dean just stared into those bluer than blue eyes, he felt the tears start to slide down his cheeks.

"Cas...I..."

"I know that it's been a long time. I had some things that I needed to take care of."

Dean slipped the feathers out of Cas's hand and threw them into the water, "We don't need those anymore. They belonged to Castiel."

Cas leaned his forehead against Dean's, "I guess now I'm just Cas."

"You need a last name. I'd be honored to give you mine."

"Do you mean..."

"Yes Cas, that's exactly what I mean."

"This is what you want?"

Dean placed his hands on either side of Cas's face, "God Cas, of course this is what I want. This is all I've ever wanted."

When their lips finally met they could taste the salt of the other's tears.

"Now let's go lay on the beach," Dean whispered.


End file.
